How to spot a cheater

Now, we’ve all been there – or at least I have – you meet a guy, you’re totally infatuated (oh well, we are girls after all) and you think he could potentially be the one, it’s about time this finally happened to you, right? You end up going on a few dates, maybe even see each other for a few months and everything seems rosy but then it hits you like a brick wall that you didn’t see coming: something isn’t right here. It might be as simple as a feeling, a strange facebook post (we all stalk on the internet, just admit it already)  or as nerve-wrecking as a friend telling you that Mr Right has been sighted with another femme, now you’re thrown. What does it mean, and what does this situation make you? Take it from someone who has been turned into the other woman more than once, get out while you still can, run as fast as your Pradas let you. Once there is a spark there usually is a fire and you’re better off rescuing yourself than any made-believe fairy tale. Prince Charming is after all just that, charming. Guys can be sneaky, some of them will lie and charm the stars from the sky just to get in your pants. It’s selfish, irrational and primal – actually kinda gross, eh? Fear not, there are ways to spot a liar from a mile away. Here’s my personal top 5 of how to divvy up the good from the bad and cheat the cheater at his own game. Enjoy!

1. He is in a relationship on facebook with…. No one

This is an obvious one, it can mean two things, he either is in a relationship and the girl might just not be on facebook (err, what exactly are you hiding?????) or he isn’t over his ex. Both are situations you should steer clear of, the later might be safer but still is a hell lot of work.

Why don’t you just confront the guy, you may ask. Well, that is a possibility but don’t expect an honest answer. I once asked a guy about his facebook relationship status and believe me the lies he told could have moved the Empire State Building to Brooklyn. His explanation resembled a bad 90s R’n’B song, something along the lines of being trapped in a relationship, he isn’t ready for. Even the question of whether he loved her, didn’t throw him. He went as far as to ask me for advice and then came up with this glorious lie of her being abroad and while she is gone they have an arrangement about seeing other people, given that they were on the rocks anyway. Smooth, real smooth. I chose to believe this at first, maybe because it was convenient, needless to say the situation crashed and burnt shortly after. For the record, he had a long term girlfriend, or should I say, has, and apparently they were/are happy. Bottom line, don’t take their word for it, go with your guts, it’ll save you a lot of stress in the long run! He isn’t Mr Right, in fact he is Mr As-Wrong-As-Can-Be.

2. He only texts/calls you during working hours

Now, this will take a while to figure out, and there might be a good and sensible reason behind it but let’s be clear, there might not be! If after a few weeks this seems to be the thing, then my friend, it is time to wonder and, maybe investigate what the reasons are, it might just be a live-in girlfriend/fiancé/ wife (shock, horror!)…….. or he just has a really boring job juxtaposed with a raging social life outside of work, what are the chances?

3. He only takes you to the cinema or dark, dingy bars

Ok, this one stands and falls with your personal schedules, preferences and if there are any other hints floating around. Really, this point doesn’t have a leg to stand on, on its own. But if you’re already suspicious about your fella and your dates constantly consist of outings to the cinema, strange, dark bars and other random places then he might just be scared to be seen with you by someone he knows. And can I just say, that’s nasty behaviour in any circumstance, he should want to parade you around!

And if he’s not hiding you then it is likely that he, himself is scared to be seen and that just throws up a whole lot more questions! If on top of that he isn’t on facebook, then you might just be dating 21stcentury’s Charles Manson, and who wants that?  Calm down, I am just kidding……or am I?

4. He gets all nervous and checks out places before you enter

This one ties in directly with number 3 AND honestly there aren’t much excuses to make for this behaviour. He, either has some sort of anxiety problem and should’ve probably warned you about it or he is checking for people he knows, who could report back to his girlfriend and burst his bubble. If a guy takes you out for breakfast, the beach, lunch or any other daytime activity and constantly checks who is around you and suddenly becomes reluctant to hug you, put his arm around you and so on, basically changes his whole demeanour from how he behaves behind closed doors then ladies here you have a prime example of a cheater out in the wild! Kick him to the curve, I say! I would also like to extend that advice to the girlfriend in question.

5. The important work related weekend phone call he just has to take, preferably not just in another room but out on the balcony

Yes, maybe he is the CEO of an exciting internet start-up (who isn’t?) and needs to be on the phone 24/7, but it’s not like you are going to start saying inappropriate things while he’s on the phone to his colleagues (please don’t, that shit’s tacky). So why does he race out of the room every time the same number calls? See what I am getting at? I like to take phone calls in private too, even when I yap away in a different language BUT racing out of the room to the balcony or outside the apartment, is extreme and, dare I say, suspicious. Anyway, let’s not go all psycho bitch on the poor guy if it happens once or twice, he might just be one of those very private individuals and you’ll end up making a fool of yourself. But again, if it becomes a thing and ties in with a few other hiccups here and there, then, girlfriend, you should ask him who that oh-so-important caller is. I’d like to think conversation is key, even though you’ve got to be careful with that sometimes. You might just be able to tell straight away whether he is about to lie up a storm.

As much of a bitch it is to come across someone, who is just trying to use you, I do believe that there are just as many good eggs out there as there are foul ones. So let’s make sure we identify the foul ones before they start smelling, shall we? If you’re looking for something with a future, you better don’t tolerate this stuff for one second and start fresh, because it doesn’t just go away. Ladies, a cheater isn’t worth keeping and it doesn’t matter which side you stand on, girlfriend or other woman. If someone is capable of putting all this effort in to get his way, then he’ll probably do it again. So, let’s identify and eliminate the cheating bastard faster than he can say S-O-R-R-Y, which frankly isn’t in his vocabulary anyways.

(Originally published on

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