How to make it through an awful blind date

Welcome to Creepville!

Welcome to Creepville!

One of my greatest issues with blind dates is that people match you with someone they deem adequate. I like to think I am quite the catch (some ex-boyfriends will beg to differ here) but considering what people have tried pairing me up with, I am forced to doubt my self-perception. The worst blind-date-picks usually come from friends of your parents or colleagues who are a little older than you –  those guys will really test your self-love.

In fact, you and your geeky, unemployed, mother-adoring, basement living, dating suggestions have left me self-conscious and in fear of another ridiculously boring date. You know it’s bad when you consider slitting your wrist between the appetiser and main course just to get out of the never-ending conversations about lactose containing foods and the mystery of missing socks.

I am not saying all blind dates are bad, I am sure somewhere on this planet people have been set up, hit it off, got married, bought a house and are now surrounded by four kids and three dogs, but that’s obviously not me, and at this rate, will never be me.

Anyway, if you have been lucky enough to be set-up and are in fact going to participate in what might turn out to be the longest four hours of your life, fear not, I’ve got you covered. Just follow these few simple rules and you’ll be able to make it through, hurt no feelings and be sure to never receive a call from the lovely man again.

1. Picking an outfit

Keep it simple. Ok, don’t let me disillusion you completely, you might just meet Prince Charming, or you might not, so you do want to play it safe. Do put in a bit of effort, but don’t go all out with the cleavage, legs etc, personally that is my choice for any first date anyways. Too sexy is never appealing, it just signals one-night-stand and really, this is not the right occasion, after all, the dude knows your family, friends or colleagues. Pick a nice shirt, maybe black trousers and heels and keep the accessorising to a minimum. Just wear something comfortable and steer the hell away from slutty……..always!

 2. Picking the venue

Make sure you are the one to choose where you are headed. Try and pick a place where you either know the bar staff or where you secretly fancy the dashing mixologist. Honestly, this step is a lifesaver – you can thank me later!

Should your date turn out to be a sock-investigating, doormat aficionado, then you have the bar staff to spill your sorrows to and make sure your glass is never empty. Who knows, the guy behind the bar might just be your knight in shining armour and rescue you from the cave monster.

3. Placing your order

Time to break the rules. If you have established that you are not facing the man of your dreams, then feel free to go against everything they tell you about moderation on a first date. Bring on the triple cheeseburger and Black Forest Gateau. Just go all out, order two deserts if you must, the menu is your oyster. And maybe get a little too drunk, alcohol problems are a great turn off… just sayin’!

4. Talking the talk (just before walking the walk ….right out of there)

The key to get rid of anyone is simply to bore them to death; you don’t need to be a genius to do that. I have done it to many guys, in various scenarios. As soon as I realise, the situation is hopeless I become the dullest person you’ve ever met. I can pretend to be really enthusiastic about hemming if I have to, I got skilllllzzzz like that. Another turnoff apparently is, if you’re into completely different music than him. Britney and Madonna have never sounded this amazing. I am not quite sure what it is but a taste in music can be a maker or breaker.

Talking about exes on a first date is also a bit of a no-no but I wouldn’t even go there with your cheerio-munching blind date. Maybe just talk about your friends, bitch about them, show what a horrible person you are, true colours and all that jazz. Oh and whatever you do, don’t be cute.

5. The goodbye

Now, if you still haven’t managed to shock and get rid of your apparently really blind and somewhat slow date by 10pm then you are either way too lovely, a horrible actress or just haven’t tried hard enough, goddammit! So what do you do now? Well I hope you are not considering sharing a cab, even creeps have feelings, you know. You’re just leading him on now, dahhhling!

My advice to you is, dodge the snog and go in for a handshake. Nothing says thanks but no thanks as much as a firm handshake followed by a polite nod. Should he ask if you’d like to see him again simply say you’ll have to check your diary but you will be in touch (as soon as the Pacific Ocean has frozen over, of course). Should he dare text you and ask for a second date, please just decline. There is certainly such thing as being too cruel and just because you’re not interested doesn’t mean no one else will want to claim this specimen. I once turned a guy down by telling him I had to do taxes, which was going to take me hours apparently, it works but it’s very much, quite obviously rude. Anyhow, some people just need that kind of subtle bluntness.

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